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I want to be naked!

Wait, before anyone starts deep sighing and jumping to the conclusion that I am being inappropriate again, which I think is easily but unjustly thought about me, give me a chance to explain myself.

Many of you know my struggle with body image. Shoot...many of you have and still do struggle with body image. How many guys that go thru it are overlooked? How many wrestlers develop it? I am sure my story mirrors others.

 As I look at pictures from high school, I often catch myself in shock. I never looked as fat as I thought I was. I remember wasting so much time at camouflaging my slight pooch with baggy shirts and button ups, when I should have spent my time focusing on what was real----love. I hate thinking about it....

When I started my journey to healing, I prayed that God would change my idea of beauty, and I never believed it would or could happen.  Slowly and without my knowing, He made me comfortable in my own skin. It is time like these, where I love being proved wrong.

As an athlete, I dreaded the locker room. I hated the uniform swap. I was so scared that people would see my gross body as I saw it.  Now you could ask Kendra, or any girl who has been around me for more than an hour, if I seem comfortable  in my own skin and I am sure they would answer "Heck yes, sure she could be naked at any point during the day."

The beauty of all of this transformation is that people looking at me no longer makes me uncomfortable. I love that my concern is no longer myself, but loving others, and showing them a Father who has power to heal all things.

He put a joy in me that makes me want to exclaim...I WANNA BE NAKED! Not for the trashy sense, but because God made me beautiful, and I now see it. All of it around my hips, my stomach, my love handles....my thighs..you name it!

I want to be completely naked before God. To lay down my false idol. To worship my Creator. My healer. My Father...

I hope many of you come to find your true beauty. Not the beauty defined by Vogue or America's Next Top Model. (Y'all all know that those girls are so skinny its NASTY, as my sister would say!) That we no longer hide and cringe, but smile and love.

Currently Listening Chroma By Cartel see related

I am  scared

I am determined

I am faithful

He is powerful

He is enduring

He is hope

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I want to cry for You. Let all that I get joy from come from You. Let me wrestle and dig everyday. Let me never become complacent. 

I just want to love.....I just want to love right...

i wish things were different. it is hard for me to rationalize me having fun when home is a mess. i try to be strong. i am doing everything i can to be faithful. is it enough? i am being relentless. crying doesn't even help, just puts me to sleep. show me your peace, please. my insides are scrambled.

i can't always be that optimistic?

my heart aches. my soul aches from being hidden. i am angry. i am passionate. i am trying so hard, do you see it?

i really think you are good for me. i only wish you thought the same

Well the comments have def. been slacking. Scroll down, browse over my past posts......2, 3, 1 comment(s). Very, very disappointing.

So what is the key to getting comments. Something funny? Something enlightening? Being Tyler Eads? Begging??

Here maybe I can get some posts now.....

So, earlier this week there was a new guy that came to work with B and K construction.  Ben, age 24, has also been in prison for quite some time (since he was 15 or something).  Anyway, he and I got to talking and he mentioned that he use to be a drug dealer.  He told me that he sold pot, coke, meth, heroine...the works.  Well, he also told me that at one point in time he had a prostitute.  See, initially I thought he meant that he went to a prostitute.  And I thought that was strange.  Ben was a good lookin' guy, pretty average and all.  But,then it clicked....he didn't go to a prostitute, he owned a prostitute. 

Curious, I asked him a few more questions.  Come to find out, this girl came to him and said that he could pimp her out, no stipulations, as long as he provided her with heroine.  I questioned him on the cost....because I don't know the first thing about any of that.  He said that she would have sex for a hundred and other "favors" (just cause I don't want to write it) for fifty.  I asked him if she was a pretty girl, and he began to tell me about her body.  "No, no, no" I said, "what about her face?  Did she have a pretty face?  Did she look....alive?"  Did she look like she was miserable and scared and lonely?  Did she even smile--could she smile.

You know?  Gosh dang!  Is that all that girl's dignity is worth.  Is that all her innocence is worth?  A hundred stinkin' dollars.  She had to feel so used.  Dirty.  She had to feel worthless.  In her mind that was all she was good for.  Man.  It killed me.  Just kills me. 

You know what I've thought for a while?......this would be so dangerous but.....go to a pimp and buy a prostitute for a night, or at least for a few hours: 4 or 5.  Without letting on to either of them what I was going to do, I would go to a hotel or whatever and then, when she starts doing what she thinks she has to, I'd tell her, "no, just wait."  And I would sit down with her and ask her questions.  I would look her in her eyes.  I would speak to her as a friend--an equal--just trying to get to know her.  Find out why she's doing what she's is.  Ask about her family.  Does she have kids?  Was she married?  Find out where she is from.  Where she wants to go.  "If you could leave this and do anything you wanted for the rest of your life, what would it be?"  "What makes you happier than anything?"  Questions like that.  I might take her out for dinner.  I might open her door and pull out her chair.   Just try my best to let her know that she is more than an object.  That she is worth more.  And, if the opportunity came up, I'd tell her about Jesus, and I'd probably cry telling her how much he loved her....sigh....But, I know that that's risky and if I got caught, the cops would probably not believe that we were just talking.  You know?

Ben, is the same guy I got to share my testimony with on thursday.  He is really trying to find Christ, but he just has so much stacked against him now.  He told me the other day that he feels horrible about his past.  He really beats himself up about it.  I told him about 1 thes 4:17 and what that means to me.  I also told him about this ex-girlfriend of mine who was so graceful and tender with regard to my past....and her own past as well.  "I don't know man," I said, "I asked her if she wanted to hear about my junk--all the stuff I've been through-- and she said 'no, not yet.  Besides that's not you.  It's the past, right?'"  He was floored by her strength and forgiveness; as was I.  I think it helped him.  God sure is cool for putting this guy in my life.  Al too.  This has been an amazing summer.  Thanks Poppa.

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Nothing against you Ty. It was a great post.....and it did get 21 comments....I just want to share the love. Don't be mad!